Vani Aiyer, GM Corporate Communication, Nissan Motor India, talks about her own biases, the biases that people have about others and how we can overcome them.

Bias according to me is the eighth sin. First, you need to know if you exhibit bias. Then, how do you manage that bias? You could exhibit bias purely by your body language, the way you speak to people or the way you turn away from them. So bias can be demonstrated in multiple ways. But the fun part about all of this is its challenging. I’ve worked in the automotive industry for 25 odd years. Around a year and a half, I worked for Pond’s. That’s how I started my career. Somewhere in the middle of my career, I worked on health food drinks of Glaxo SmithKline. I was better handling petrol and diesel guzzling vehicles and my heart was in the auto industry where I learn something new every day and learn how to tackle something new every day. The auto industry, though, is fraught with bias. I will not restrict the conversation on bias to just man or woman. It also happens by virtue of your religion or culture or country or city.

Bias with Objects

When you look at inanimate objects—a circle, a triangle and a heart, you already have a preconceived notion or a bias. Now that could be a black hole or a circle. There are multiple types of triangles.  The moment we see a heart, we think it’s too tacky or cringey.   My generation used to draw hearts everywhere and we had heart-shaped balloons. But it was embarrassing to buy them on Valentine’s Day for your boyfriend or husband or wife. So hearts have their own bias. Just as basic shapes and inanimate objects have bias; it is obvious that you will have bias when you are human beings. When you have a voice, you will have an opinion. Your opinion will create bias. Look at the fruits. A pineapple is hard and prickly on the outside, but it’s intensely sweet and it comes with its own characteristics. The same goes for an apple. We believe the pits are dangerous. I’m sure your notions are then built on the basis of that bias. Grapes are bad for people with diabetes. There used to be a time when I would see a bowl of grapes and say, ‘wow.’ Today, if I see a bowl of grapes, I turn away. We all change with our life experiences. You are nothing but the experiences in your life and what they make of you.

Bias with People

When it comes to people, we judge and mentally create a balance sheet of their liabilities and assets. It could be emotional or rational.  When we see Rahul Gandhi, we may say that he does this or doesn’t do this. If we see Ricky Ponting, we associate him with brashness. Of course, he was Australian and we have this love/hate relationship with Australia. We think of Kangana Ranaut as making a fair amount of noise and that she is opinionated. We might have never interacted with Rahul Gandhi, Ricky Ponting or Kangana Ranaut but we have opinions about them.  I still remember one of my meetings with Arnab Goswami. It was the first time I met him. I already had an aura of sound around him, but he was very quiet and his handshake was soft and gentle.  Again, when you meet people and they don’t follow etiquette of certain kinds, you judge them. You have bias and they choose to drive your conversations or how you talk to people.

Debadging the Cars

I just want to take an example from the car industry. When we try to bring a product into the market, we first show everybody a car exterior. We debadge the cars, which means that you will never be able to see any logos or spot the manufacturer. You’ll be able to see the muscular lines, the stance of the vehicle, the grill and the headlamps.  Then we show them the car interiors, the luxuriousness or the lack of it.  Then you go through a whole list of its technical specifications.  After you’ve seen all the physicals around it, then you announce the name plate. Once we hear the brand name, we get a different opinion about it. There can be a lack of bias, or a bias, depending on your opinion about the brand in the marketplace. Once you do that, the price will drive a completely different conversation: “No, it isn’t worth it,” or “It is worth it,” etc. Then when you actually drive the car, it brings in a bit of a punch or the lack of a punch. The dichotomies are there for everyone to see.  By positioning or how you brand the vehicle, you pre-conceive people’s notions. They may think, “I’m going to see a big bold, beautiful car in the showroom.”  That’s how positioning plays its part. Then finally, when you look at all of these from the ecosystem of a business or brand, you have a certain opinion. The more research you do, the more conversation you have about something.

Pony Tail and Education

I am a sari clad women. I’m wearing a ponytail. I wear my ear rings; I’m very traditional. But the moment I tell you that I was schooled in Haryana, mostly Hindi-speaking schools—13 schools in 10 years of which only three were English medium, you will have an opinion and that will drive you. If I say that I was in a convent those last two years, you will again hear me differently. The moment I tell you that I went to a particular college—Dayanand Anglo Vedic college—it brings in a certain perspective to it. It’s a very studious college. It looked like a school. There were 12 feet walls with six-feet of barbed wire on top. So that again has a perspective. If I tell you my dad and mom were working people, it has a perspective. If I tell you, my dad was an IPS officer from the Haryana cadre, it will have a different perspective. If I tell you my mother taught in college—she was a Professor of History in Gandhian Studies—it has a different perspective. All of these add or derive bias.

Meddling in the Middle

I’m the middle child in the family. I always say that I carry the attitude of Madhya Pradesh on my shoulders, meaning it’s so large. I used to fight for everything because my elder sister was always older and she was somebody I could never say anything to. My younger sister was always younger, so I could also not say anything to her. I got stuck in the middle. I always got what my elder sister got as hand-me-downs. The next one was five years away, so she never got my hand-me-downs. My career began with JWT and that was an advertising agency. I started as an Assistant Accountant and I got out of there as a Vice President. I am extremely fortunate to have learned from Mythili Chandrasekar there. She drove me to work. She threw projects at me that I thought I could never do and books that I thought I would never read. I am more of a fiction person, but she made me read a lot of nonfiction and ensure that I did that. That helped me get rid of biases.

Then I worked in Ford and TVS. When I joined TVS, people would invariably ask me, “What’s an Iyer doing in Sundaram Iyengar & Sons?” It was a bias they had that was linked to the fact that I wrote my name as Vani Aiyer, but it was because of my North Indian upbringing; I didn’t really care what was after my name. Actually, I used to write my name as Vani Harishankar. Harishankar is my father’s name. But he said, if I have a smaller name, it will fit easily into a passport and he suggested ‘Vani Aiyer.’ He also said, “Anyway, you will only marry an Iyer. So Vani Aiyer will be fine!” So the Aiyer thing stayed with me. In TVS, I spent three years happily. They accepted me the way I am—with all the aggression, conversation, loud speaking and presenting myself. They had no bias in me as such. But there was a different bias. In TVS, most women were in the Secretarial department or in Finance as Chartered Accountants. You would not find women in business. I sat in the management committee conversations, which in itself was a bit too much for everybody. But I had the support of my bosses. I had the support of people who knew I could present my case and that I could articulate what the business needed.

Put Business First

If you put business first, there is no bias. The moment you stand up for the business, the bias goes. Remember you are here to do business. We are all here for time and money. The moment everybody is on the same page on time and money and you realise the fact that you need to do business, the walls of bias just come crumbling down.

Be Prepared

There is nothing better than being well prepared to manage your business on a daily basis. When I left TVS, I thought I had put the final nail in my career’s coffin. Nissan came to me at a time when I thought I was going to hang up my boots. For a year and a half, I worked with them in marketing and I realized the biggest bias I had to face was about numbers. Some of the bias, I created in me and some of the bias, others around me did.

I didn’t score well in school maths and it stayed with me. The fact that I got 7 out of 100 in one test in my class 8 stuck in my head. Every meeting I go, I make sure I write down the numbers, big, bold and in red on a sheet of paper. I can read it without my glasses and I don’t forget that number for my life, whether it is our revenue, profit, how many cars we sell or how many variants we have. That is my prep to ensure that people who sit opposite me, do not hold that bias against me, though I do it to me and sabotage myself. I will tell people that I am poor in Math but a rockstar in English.

In today’s world, it is not just what you have lived through in your career or life. It’s also social media because you have multiple personas.

The Seven Year Itch

I found an interesting way to exhibit how I lived through my entire life of 49 years. At seven, I believed I was my own enemy. My elder and younger sister used to study very well. I had dyslexia of sorts. In those days, nobody knew what dyslexic meant, leave alone, trying to find out if I had dyslexia. I had ADHD. I discovered all that later when I saw the film ‘Taare Zameen Par.’

The Rebel

At 14, I had decided to rebel. So I grew up in the early 80s when you had to get back home before it became dark. I never did that as I mostly stayed out of home. I used to play tennis for an hour, go for swimming and tuitions, which meant I never reached home before 10 pm. But I was doing judicious work and I was in the right place, doing the right thing. My parents always knew where I was but I was rebellious. I actually wanted to be a tennis player but my mother said, “What will everybody say, if a daughter of an IG plays tennis?” So my bias came from people around me and unfortunately, my parents too.

A lot of it is PTSD, at least in my generation. We have all suffered the trauma of our parents not knowing enough of how to deal with the problem, but they have also been our biggest backers. At 21, I thought I was a maverick because I made a decision to get into advertising. In those days, advertising was not a good place for girls to go because “that’s where, the not-so-good people hang around, work happens after dark, you will come after dark and stuff like that.” Within a quick 2 to 5 years, I had my two daughters. In advertising at JWT, at 7 am, I had to be at the plant if I wanted to meet my clients. Then, in the evening, the client would come back to office at 6:00 pm and the discussions would continue. So, it was like, I had to do a dual job. I ended up working from anytime between 6 am in the morning till 12 or 1 in the night. People, you work with, are equally strong about creating situations on bias, not because you are a man or a woman or anything. In fact, I have never thought of myself as a female. I am agnostic to whoever I talked to. I meet interesting people who have phenomenal stories to tell every day. I am age agnostic. We must spend time with people who can actually help us grow and overcome obstacles.

No one can take it away

At 35, I kind of cracked it. I had a boss, a gentleman called Mr. M A Parthasarathy. He used to be known as the brains because he was from BITS Pilani and he did his engineering and later, MBA from IIM. He was completely a 5-star, best performer. I remember him calling me one day and telling me, “Vani. You’ve cut your teeth on strategy and nobody can take it away from you in the automotive world.” I just looked at him with disbelief, as in most cases, my bias would put me down. That was the day my life changed.

Advertising took its toll, but it taught me a lot of things. It taught me how to fight my way up. I moved from advertising career to show space where I worked in events and event management. I worked with different brands—from General Motors to Toyota to Vodafone and so on. I have done cyclothons and marathons. What I learnt amongst all of this is that people come in all shapes and sizes. If you listen to what they have to say to you, more often than not, you will end up stumbling over your own feet. Listen to everybody, but do what you want to do and do what you think is right. If you have the right value system, then your conversations go the right way.

Different Faces on Social Media

Look at yourself on social media. Each social medium shows you differently. For instance, on LinkedIn, I look my professional self and if you go over there, my entire career history can be seen. On Facebook, I have my social conversations. On Twitter, I share my opinions about cricket, politics, media, cars, auto, about anything and everything. In Insta, I post lots of photos and stories and fun facts. It talks about how I think and how I feel very open. I am a big fan of Pinterest. If you go to Pinterest, I express myself and catch up on a lot of content, which is phenomenal. But each one of these social handles shows me differently. If you saw only one of them, you would talk to me differently. You would have a preconceived thought process about me or the way you would think of me. That’s how people would perceive you as well. So, the biases that you have, when you look at all of these social forums is just infinite. If you don’t have bias, you will be a saint. Every one of us has bias to begin with and none of us is a saint. The time that we have to do business is finite. We have limited time and limited money. We must try to see how to make bias work for us.

The Five Rules to Manage Bias

I have five rules to manage bias and they’re very simple.

Number one. Behind any successful man, or woman, there could be a man or a woman. It could be anybody. For me, it is my husband. We decided to keep our work life separate and even today; nobody comes to pick me up from the airport. Be agnostic. Be agnostic to religion, age, state, country or whatever. Agnostic as a word is a great takeaway. If you try to be as agnostic as you can, you won’t have any preconceived notions about people or where they come from.

The second and the most crucial, you must always be prepared. The best way to remove bias from any conversation is to be very well prepared. If you go prepared into a discussion, you will always go for a win-win solution.

The third and something I believe in: Be generous. I believe Karma exists because I have seen it occur. I’ve seen it happen in my lifetime, not once, not twice but a billion times. What goes around, comes around. How you treat others is how you will get treated at some point later. Then don’t ask the world why it is all happening to me. It is happening to you because you deemed universe to work in a certain way.

Fourth, have a voice. Have a point of new. All of us have a tongue. God has given us great functional tools. We can stand pain, power, stress issues, sicknesses and everything. But if you don’t use the voice that you’ve been gifted with, it’s a travesty to your body.

Fifth, and finally, make yourself so strong. When they say, ‘The strength is within you,’ I used to think it’s crap. I had no idea of what was within me. But I realised that, over a period of time, you end up looking at problems and solutions in creative ways and that builds you up as individuals. And that is what is within you. Answers are not there in any book. There is no guidebook to live life or move away from bias. You live through it. You try to put it into an Excel sheet. I think Excel sheets are fabulous stuff, even though I was completely against math.

The human beings are so different from anything else that you can be like a dolphin. Dolphins are still evolving but they push away sharks, knocking their sides with their bulbous nose when they are attacked. One would think one can’t escape a shark attack, but that’s how dolphins save themselves from shark attacks. When you go into a conversation and you want to have a win-win solution, you need to be dolphin like. You need to be creative, because that will drive bias away. We all have bias. We are not born with bias. We acquire bias along the way. The only way to knock bias out is to have your own little, cheat sheets on. These are my five cheat sheets but you will find your own experiences and your own means and ways to get bias out.

Ms Radhika Shapoorjee, Founder and CEO, Mediation Mantras, focussed on key aspects of conflict resolution and what it entails. Her talk covered these points:
Is conflict an opportunity or threat?
What is conflict and its role in our everyday life?
What are the roots of conflict?
Resolving conflict with effective negotiations

Conflict is a serious disagreement or argument, typically a protracted one, between people, across groups, across countries. Usually, it is a clash of ideas, opinions or interests. A conflict spiral happens when a small difference of opinion that is unresolved becomes a dispute. When the dispute is unresolved, it becomes a conflict. When a conflict is unresolved, many conflicts happen. Then it can escalate into words.

A small disagreement at home can escalate into many different conflicts in our personal and professional lives. The point is that, it is easier to resolve a conflict when it is small; when a difference of opinion starts.

Conflicts are everywhere

Why is it so difficult to address conflicts? Why are there so many conflicts happening in our homes, between parents and their children, over different ideas, over opinions, over interests and over generations? We see conflicts escalating between states over water or other resources. We see on television political leaders with different ideologies shouting at each other. There is anger and resentment. We see business disputes over various issues—personal or professional.

To give you a small number, our courts will take 408 years to resolve the cases across our country, if there is not a single case filed from today. Obviously, conflicts are not getting resolved. Justice delayed is justice denied and that is a topic of a big conversation that is happening across the world.
So how can we understand the roots of conflict in a deeper manner? We must understand the anatomy and psychology of conflict. Conflict is perceived as a threat. How can we creatively resolve conflicts, transform this threat into an opportunity and strengthen relationships? That is the essence of conflict resolution.

Resolving the Inner Conflict

The greatest story about conflicts that has shaped India, for sure, is the Mahabharata, and it has taught us many lessons. We all know that Krishna helped Arjun resolve his inner conflict first, before he was ready to fight the Kauravas in a battle that lasted 18 days. We must overcome our inner conflicts first, so that we can resolve our outer demons as they come in front of us, in a manner which is not destructive but constructive.

My work in conflict resolution has been really to help people understand that inner conflict, because when these issues are not resolved, they spill into the external world. So let’s understand that better.

Conflict and fear

Conflict is perceived as a threat and an attack. We react to that threat with fear. Since the beginning of humankind, fear was a means of survival to humans so that they could protect themselves from wild animals, nature, rival tribes and nature’s fury. All these have now almost stopped. We are in the comforts of our home. We have none of those physical threats. However, we do have the same instincts. When there is a difference of opinion, even our loved ones become threatening enemies.

We react in a way so that we can protect our own identity. If someone says that you are not a good mother, a good father, a good boss or a good colleague, you want to defend that position. That is the core of our conflict. With it, comes the fear. When we get fear, we react in only three ways – fight, flight or freeze.

We have been taught that good must overcome evil. Each of us has a sense of righteousness. We think we are right and the other person is wrong. This polarized view of our opinions and actions leads to so many unresolved conflicts in our everyday life. This adversarial way in addressing each other, where we are unwilling to listen to the other person’s point of view, results in small differences turning into full-fledged conflicts between people and communities.

Seeds Sowed So Soon

The seeds of human identity are sowed in the family and environment in which a child is brought up. Every child learns how to how to deal with conflict from the age of zero when they are born, to 7 years. Those are the foundational years and they watch their parents and family deal with each other. Do they deal with each other in a mindful manner or hostile manner? How do they communicate with each other and the community at large? When they come back home, what stories do they tell?

Children take away these things subconsciously and their social skills are developed and retained in their subconscious mind. Perhaps, you were brought up in an environment where conflict was completely avoided. All these will shape the way you respond as an adult.

Fears all the way

This is one of our biggest debilitators. We also have the fear of not being heard, the fear of losing money, the fear of health issues and the fear of death. All these fears are pretty much at home within the family, because that’s what all of us would have watched subconsciously and consciously. They go into shaping our identity and the way we handle conflict.

Therefore, the need to create a psychological safe place for the child and family to express themselves, to express their views in a way that differences are respected, is something that all of us must think about. Create a safe place where we can express and where we allow our family, our colleagues and our neighbours to come and say things which are not the same as what you stand for.

The Chief Culprit

When a difference arises, the first culprit is usually communication or a lack of it. When there is a breakdown of communication between people in conflict, suddenly there is a roadblock out there. Fear comes in and we start reacting. We see on social media the kind of resentment and hatred that people have for people they don’t even know. This comes from deep-rooted conflicts that have been sown by generations before, against people and communities. So we need to step back and see what is happening around us. Why are the courts clogged up? Why are our homes not seen as safe places? Why is our office not a safe place where we can discuss, be seen vulnerable and yet, do not get a fear of failure.

Look at how you respond to conflict. Do I respond with fear? Do I freeze? Do I flee? What kind of an environment do I create so that people can express themselves? Am I able to respect differences? We all come from very different emotional worlds and therefore, it needs to be respected.

Conflict is a teacher. It tells you that you need to progress and move forward and evolve to a higher place. If you don’t, you go to a lower place. Get into others’ shoes and understand where they are coming from. Make them understand where you are coming from. Have the courage of conviction to have the dialogue, to have that flow of communication.

The Eagle’s Egg

Here is an interesting story. A team of global CEOs were traveling on a plane. It was a long-distance 50 hour ride into Africa. They were going there to find a very rare eagle which laid an egg every 10 years and it was discovered that the egg had the solution and cure for cancer as well as diabetes.

Conflict is a teacher. It tells you that you need to progress and move forward and evolve to a higher place. If you don’t, you go to a lower place. Get into others’ shoes and understand where they are coming from.

Two CEOs were ahead of others in that search—One was the head of a cancer care pharmaceutical company and the other CEO was the head of a diabetics company. They were obviously in conflict as to who was going to get it. But they were wise men and they decided to understand their underlying needs and interests.

They realised that the cure for cancer lay in the yolk and the cure for diabetes lay in the white of the egg. So they both could take that one egg and share it and address a transformational solution to their business. If they had not had that conversation and decided to fight for that egg, they would have destroyed the value. That is something that could have happened.

Everyone becomes happy

I did mediation with two co-founders—One senior and the other, ten years younger. They had a running conflict for years, and it took me three months of about eight sessions to resolve their conflict amicably. Today, they continue to work in the same organization. But at the heart of that conflict were their own inner issues coming out in a not so good manner.

Once I created a safe environment, each understood where the other came from and I was able to help them. They negotiated a new and a far stronger way of functioning. The investor, who got me to negotiate, is now a happy person. The multiple investors in that organization are happy. Most importantly, the 3,000-odd employees who are affected by the conflict are happy. The conflict had created tension within the organization.

Resolve Conflicts as They Arise

Communication and good negotiation skills can convert a conflict into an opportunity. I am so grateful for having learned some of these techniques over the years and I have applied them to my daughter, son and husband. Resolving issues as and when they come up is much easier. I have made so much progress that I have set up my entrepreneurial journey in partnership with my husband Mr Shapoorji. He has played a big role in helping me understand conflict and shaping the path of my future purpose.

The moment you reprimand, get upset or put boundaries, it becomes one-sided. Then they want to rebel.

Remember Maslow’s need theory? Our deepest psychological fears are about our safety and security. This has been used by many marketing and advertising people in their campaigns.

You may have a small difference of opinion with your child when he or she goes out. Recognize that your child wants to be independent. Go two steps deeper into the mind of the child and then, your child will feel heard and wanted. The moment you reprimand, get upset or put boundaries, it becomes one-sided. Then they want to rebel. Understand where the rebellion comes from and address it early. This is an everyday part of life.

Learning from the Experts

Cultivate your own communication skills so that you can negotiate better. Over the last couple of years, I have watched videos of at least 500,000 people. I feel very blessed, full of gratitude that I could listen, read and learn from many people who are experts in the domain of conflict resolution—from psychologists to FBI negotiators, to mediators at Harvard.

My superhero is Chris Voss, former FBI negotiator. He has written a very interesting book called ‘Never split the difference.’ It’s an amazing book and one of many books that has influenced me greatly. ‘Getting to Yes’ by William Ury is also another great book.

One of my clients faced a media boycott. Over a lunch, we were able to resolve it. It is interesting that in that case, it was just the arrogance in the way that my client had dealt with them which had created the block. The simple act of inviting all of them for lunch, resolved it in exactly the same time that we took for our lunch. We all had a wonderful laugh and discussion about everything else and the boycott was taken off within an hour of that discussion.

Tips to remember

• The Power of empathy: Empathy is understanding the other person’s point of view, how they feel and care about it. Harvard Business School has done a lot of work on strategic empathy and tactical empathy. The moment you empathise, the entire negotiation will shift.
• The Power of Listening: The most important communication skill I would say is listening. One of our normal reactions when the other person talks, is to jump in and interrupt. Don’t do that. Instead, listen with your heart, ears and eyes. If you can see the body language, there is so much you can identify in terms of the emotions that the other person is expressing or not expressing.
• The Power of Acknowledgement: It has a huge impact in conflict resolution. An interesting trick that Chris Voss has taught is mirroring. When you talk to me, I can take three of your last words and repeat it and mirror it. You will always feel heard. So acknowledge with the three last words. Use a proper tone which shows your interest. Even a small shift in tone can make the other person feel attacked or unheard. All that people want is that they want to be heard.
• Silence is a great tactical tool: When there is silence, somebody wants to fill it up. Let it be the other person. In that filling up, there is so much which you can learn and so much about what the other person’s true feelings are.
• Paraphrasing: Another way of acknowledgement is a great technique called paraphrasing. It is like mirroring except that it is just playing back what you have heard. This is a powerful technique in communication.
• Summarise: Once you have heard out the other person, it is important to summarize what you have heard.
• Calibrated Questions: Let your questions start with ‘what’ or ‘how.’ They will ensure that you will not get ‘no’ as an answer. It will allow people to elaborate the issue and how they feel. That opens up the space for conversation.
• Getting to YES: At the end of the summary, you must decide to agree. How do you get the other person to genuinely agree? Use the power of ‘Three Yes.’ The first ‘Yes’ maybe just counterfeit. The second ‘Yes’ could be a confirmation and the third ‘Yes,’ a commitment. Therefore, if the person has said ‘yes’ three times, it means that he or she has committed to implement the process.

The exciting story of why and how GurgaonMoms came about and what they do. Edited excerpts from the talk given by Ms Neela Kaushik in the MMA-Women Business Forum on 16 Nov 2021.

I studied in Tiruchirapalli, Tamil Nadu. When I moved from the US to Gurgaon (now Gurugram) near Delhi, I was new to the city. I was yet to make friends. I wanted to figure out where to take my kid, what would be a good restaurant and so on. Basically, I wanted exchange of information. I am from a digital marketing background. Facebook groups had just begun. So I started the GurgaonMoms Facebook group. Later on, I realized that this was just a trigger that made me start a community.

One and a half years after I had started the Facebook group, we put together a small workshop for moms; women were quite excited about this concept, because suddenly they were making new friends and able to have conversations. The husbands were curious with whom their wives were talking in the middle of the night! Actually, the community gets very active 10 pm afterwards. The husbands even wanted access to the community and we were having a good laugh.

Space for being heard

Women started sharing how they finally felt listened to. People always ask me ‘why is it a women-only community?’ Because the challenges women face are unique—be it the middle age or motherhood. They face a lot of pressure and often break down. Coming out of it becomes very important.
A woman, at life’s transition points, needs to be accommodative and compromise more and more. In the process, she somewhere loses herself. It is nobody’s fault but it is just the societal constructs. All that it requires to break out of something like this is to be mindful and conscious of the choices that you make. That is why in a space like this, when you start listening to stories, you get reminders again and again of how women have been doing it. What are the right choices? People even trolled our group as a glorified online kitty party or a wailing wall.

The first time, I was really hurt, because it was belittling of the good work that the team has been doing. We have amazing team members and volunteers who put in their time and effort to bring about a lot of changes.
This is a beautiful space where women come to share their stories, ask for help and come forward to offer help as well. We have women CXOs and women achievers. They help another woman to get up whenever she falls down. Through the beautiful stories shared, she not only receives up-to-date information on parenting but also seeks inspiration for her own personal growth. We have some amazing examples.

Flooded with help

In 2015, when the Madras floods happened, being a Chennai girl, I spoke about it and our community felt so upset. We collected medicines and clothes and but sending them to Chennai was a challenge. One of our members, a CEO of a logistics firm volunteered to send four trucks. As going by road would take time, I thought of alternatives.

I knew that one of my friends’ husband works for Spicejet and I spoke to him. He agreed to take our things and deliver to Chennai. What started off as a small conversation in the community became a huge success story and created a big impact, as we could send four truckload worth of relief materials. That is when I realized that when women come together, magic happens. All that you have to do is to put out an intention there. We just organize ourselves to make things happen.

Closing the distance to help

During the Covid time, many got help. I myself was down with Covid but my team members stepped up beautifully. They all got their act together. There were doctors in the community who went out of the way to give free online calls. The community put up the list of doctors with their numbers.

Ambika, one of our volunteers, saw a post about a pregnant woman down with Covid and facing difficulty in getting food. She took it upon herself, drove all the way for one hour to provide food to the pregnant woman. She did not even post her help on the community. It is so therapeutic to be in the community.

Some of the challenges that we face are unique. When you go and communicate your problems in a bigger forum, the acknowledgement, compassion or empathy that you require may not be there. But here, it is a safe space where you can discuss anything, without the fear of being judged. You are encouraged to be vulnerable.

The forum also provides a safe space to learn and unlearn. Women often end up getting trapped in unconscious patterns of behavior, which are detrimental to their own growth and success.

More inspiring stories

A woman wrote about how she felt lonely because her kids have left home and she had no purpose in life. Seeing this post, the community members came together and met the distressed woman. One of them was a life coach who found out her interests and encouraged her to write in the community. She received beautiful reviews which motivated her. There was a woman who owned up one of her mistakes that she had done. As I was the person approving the post, I was worried that the woman would get trolled in the unforgiving social media spaces. But I was pleasantly surprised to see how women actually lauded her for owning up her mistake and encouraged her to move forward.

The forum also provides a safe space to learn and unlearn. Women often end up getting trapped in unconscious patterns of behavior, which are detrimental to their own growth and success. But in a community like this, you will come across people sharing instances from their personal life, asking doubts or even sharing stories of triumph and success. It can be even something small but can be life-changing. One of my friends brought to my notice that I do not leave my family to travel alone by myself. I have never done that before because I always thought my family may need me. So eight of us went together on a trip and I realized that even if you’re not there, the family will still go. I came back so happy.

Supporting entrepreneurs

McKinsey Global has estimated that India can add 770 Bn$ to GDP by 2025 simply by giving equal opportunities to women. The present contribution of women in GDP remains at 18% and Covid has only made things worse. In GurgaonMoms, we provide professional support.

In fact, two of the girls in the community made their first post about their idea of launching millet related products based on their own experience of looking for some healthy snacking for their children. They wanted women to taste their cookies and give them feedback. Guess what? Today, their company, Slurp Farm, is a huge brand and I am very happy that they were able to make that first post in the community and invite feedback. I remember that they received huge encouragement and they received the validation that they required as well. I also remember the founder of mother and baby care brand The Moms Co, which was very recently bought over by MyGlamm, mentioning to me how a single recommendation on GurgaonMoms suddenly saw a surge in one of their products. Such is the power of women and mom communities. We also help women find jobs. Today a lot of companies post their requirements in the community and they have found high quality resources. I suggest that if companies are looking for temporary or part-time resources, please do consider women and mom communities. Women prefer flexi-working.

Another thing that we are extremely proud of is organising our Mom Achievers Summit. At first, people didn’t understand why a summit for mothers was needed and that too from 9 to 5. There is so much about mom; parenthood is just a slice of life.

The cheering squad

You can come to GurgaonMoms any time you feel you’re down. You can just come for entertainment or to find inspiration. You have a ready-made cheering squad available for you. They mean it when they see it. It’s not like they say it, just to make you feel good. They all go through it. Women go through the imposter syndrome. We often ask, “Do we really deserve this?” That is when you need a cheering squad who will tell you that you deserve it and that you are the reason behind many things that are happening behind you.

The summit of success

Another thing that we are extremely proud of is organising our Mom Achievers Summit. At first, people didn’t understand why a summit for mothers was needed and that too from 9 to 5. There is so much about mom; parenthood is just a slice of life. Women have career aspirations, lots of hobbies and want to network as well. When we invited people, they were not willing to buy the delegate passes because they didn’t know what to expect and we had hundred plus women who attended the event. Half of them were invited by us. The next year onwards, the story was very different. We were getting sold out every year and we had to move from one bigger venue to another bigger venue until last year. In 2019, before the pandemic, we had an event that saw 450 plus members attending. In 2020, we were just moving to an even bigger space but Covid happened. The summit is the culmination of our efforts. If you want to experience the community, you have to attend the summit. In that one day, you will be able to understand what it is about. You will hear stories that will make you laugh and inspire, as well. That is what happens when women come together, be it in online space or offline space. The energy is just so palpable. Failure resume is popular these days. But I would like to share my learnings.

At the end of the day, I preach that women’s time has to be valued and so, the people who spend time on my community need to receive some sort of financial support. My learning is that money is not a bad word and sustainability is extremely important for this purpose.

Taking control of my life: I come from Chennai, growing up in Trichy and watching Tamil movies and dreaming a perfect life. After marriage, when I prepared coffee and gave it to my husband, he asked me, “Why are you giving me a cup of coffee in the morning? I can make my own coffee and you can make your own coffee. That’s how it has to be. It has to be a choice and you don’t have to do anything by compulsion.” That really made me question many other things in life.

For the longest part of time, I was getting used to giving away the control to my life and that realization came only a few years back. But after that, I have taken control of everything in my life. I know that I have choices. I am responsible for my own choices. If somebody is making choices for me, that is because I have let them make the choice ahead of me. Know that you have to stand up for yourself.

Big mind, small mind: My coach has taught me a beautiful thing that there is a big mind and a small mind inside each of us. The big mind always gives us such a beautiful picture of us and tells us that we are capable of achieving anything. That is true also. The small mind constantly tells us, ‘Hey, you’re not good enough. What happens if you fail?’ It will stop you from doing. Unfortunately, it is the small mind that we listen to most of the time. Instead, if you push yourself and listen to the big mind, beautiful things will happen in your life.

Reach out for help: Do not hesitate to ask for help. This is something that as women, we do not do. Probably, we think we don’t deserve it. When I started putting out my intention, I realized that the Universe conspires to make it happen and I can confidently say that if you’re in a women’s group, the group will conspire to make it happen for you. So do not hesitate to ask for help. The worst you can hear is a ‘no’ but what if you get a ‘yes!’

Money is not a bad word: We are a community of volunteers. But if I want to scale from one level to another and want the impact to be bigger, then I’ll have to talk in terms of numbers and money. I will have to pay our salaries. It doesn’t have to be a big amount like a corporate, though. At the end of the day, I preach that women’s time has to be valued and so, the people who spend time on my community need to receive some sort of financial support. My learning is that money is not a bad word and sustainability is extremely important for this purpose.

Magic waiting for you: I would like to remind each one of you that you are special and you deserve special things to happen to you. It can happen to you, only if you allow it to happen and make up your mind for it. For all this to happen, you have to be part of a community. I am speaking in the MMA network today which has such a great power. There is a community out there waiting to happen. There is magic waiting to happen.